Friday, July 4, 2014

25 things I've learned from being a mother for nine and a bit years.

The Taylor kids in a box.
1. Couches are not for sitting on, they are for jumping on, doing handstands on and staining with milky things that make the couch smell like cheese. Don't bother cleaning said couch as it will come in handy for your kids first science project on 'fungi around the home'. And also, it will smell of cheese no later than 24 hours after you cleaned it, so why bother. (hint: buy a dark coloured couch, it will still smell but you won't be able to SEE the smell)

2. Wanna know how many kids fit in a box? If you have two kids it two, if you have three kids, it's three, if you have five kids, it's see where I'm going with this? Kids in a box are like clowns in a clown car. It's some sort of little person magic.

3. Walls are not just for holding up the house that in no way contains the noise of the supposed fifty elephants that live in it. Walls are for smearing, drawing and hiding behind when the offending artwork is discovered.

4. You should never, ever get used to the smell of poo. If you have, you've totally lost the battle.

5. Food simply cannot stay on plates. It is not just for eating, it is for experiementing with how much you can fit in your belly button, how crusty you can make your hair and for sticking behind your ears for later. And sugary food is about as over stimlulating as crack with a chaser of...well...crack. And no matter how entertaining it is to watch your kids talking and running around at the speed of light, man, the comedown is brutal.

6. Don't fall into the trap of following up on the statements,
'smell this',
'I need to show you something' and
'come see what (insert siblings name) did'
It's never good and you don't want to know.

7. Absolutely everything can go in the washing machine. And if you're silly enough to buy something non-machine washable, errr, yeah good luck with that. Unless you're a cartoon character that can dodge projectiles by making a hole in the middle your body, that outfit is headed for the ragbin.

8. If your husband is late it's not because he's having an affair, he's most likely hiding from you and the rabble that frequently greets him at the door like a four-headed, eight-legged scream machine.

9. Witching hour is real and I'm starting to wonder if it's called that because only a witch threatening to boil your kids up in a caudron would contain the chaos.

10. A Wonder Week is just a cute way of saying your kid's being a little turd and you need something to blame.

11. Parenting books are good for making you feel bad and propping up wobbly table legs.

12. Your dog now hates you.

13. Your kids will take the following statements as challenges rather than warnings:
'It won't fit',
'It will take too long' and
'I'm not sure you can make a house out of slips of A4 paper and stickytape'.

14. Just say everything at least five times but then call it eleventy million times. (eg) "I've asked you eleventy million times to get up to the table!"

15. The water in the bath belongs OUTSIDE of the bath.

16. Kids freakin' love bubbles, things that glow in the dark and will eat their weight in playdough if you let them.

17. You might have gotten away with it when they were young, but your swearing will come back to bite you in the form of your nine year old saying 'shit' when he drops things and your daughter saying, 'you're a turd' to the nice old lady who smiled at her at the supermarket.

18. Redheads are some other, special and separate species of human.

19. If you can't find something and it's small enough to fit in someone's mouth, it is most likely in someone's mouth.

20. All children have an evil laugh, the sooner you work out what it sounds like the better.

21. When one of your kids starts scream-crying, don't drop everything and come running. Stop, wait a few seconds and if the screaming stops you'll know it's all good. (Peek your head out the door just to check that they're not unconscious though.)

22. Things that should never be sticky are now sticky.

23. The statements 'calm down', 'settle down' and 'be quiet' all have the opposite effect, especially when you're on the phone.

24. The bargain you just struck after much negotiation is always up for further negotiation. (ie) a set bedtime is open to interpretation. And a set wake time? Bahaha, that's a good one, excuse me while I wipe the tears of laughter from my tired, tired eyes. Become a lawyer, it might help, maybe...

25. You'll love your kids forever, no matter what they put you through, drag you through, wipe on you, scream at you and/or throw at you.